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Monday, March 17, 2014

Meltdown City




image: tiffany terry
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C has crazy, scary, unpredictable meltdowns. It usually begins with something I say innocuously.

"Please take off your paint shirt before you go in the living room."

Or something she does, or something that happens. Something I would never imagine would set off the cycle...

 "I can't button my pants!"

"My raisin fell on the floor!"

"I can't reach that!"

"You put my syrup on top of my pancake instead of beside!"

...turn into yelling, angry face, awful words, hysterical crying, "please hold me, Mama, don't go, just hold me", tears streaming, turning into hysterical laughter and the exhausted calm and the "I'm so sorry, Mama. I was just so angry."

We've tried deep breathing. We've discussed that all problems have solutions, if you can stay calm long enough to figure it out. It's that "stay calm long enough" part that tends to be an issue. 

She isn't a spoiled kid, in fact, she is a wonderful, kind, empathetic girl. She doesn't like to freak out. It exhausts her. She even knows she needs some self-regulation and asks to do yoga after she regains her sanity. (Thank you CosmicKids Yoga on YouTube. You are a necessity in this house.) I know that with time and maturity, (hopefully) she will improve her ability to manage her emotions.

Prior to staying home with the girls, I was an early childhood specialist, doling out advice to frustrated parents who didn't know how to deal with their child's out of control behavior.

 "He's doing that for attention. Just let him cry it out in his room. It may take some time. He is in control of you when you let his throw the fit in front of everyone. Remove him from the situation."

I see now that despite the training and education I was drawing from, I had no idea what I was talking about. I want to go back and apologize to all of those parents. I had at that point so far only dealt with a very compliant 4 year old of typical fit-throwing abilities, and a classroom full of special needs preschoolers who spent just 3 hours of their day with me. I feel as though teachers often are absorbed into their bubble of time and space, and although what they (we) do is very important, we forget that we see our children but a fraction of their lives, and really can't get the whole picture of what is going on with these kiddos. In my own circumstance, I can look back and see that although I felt like I knew these children inside and out, I knew just a small piece about them, and most likely not enough to venture into advice territory. Perhaps just active listening and compassion would have been a better choice. But alas...that was another lifetime ago.

For a long time, I just felt like an awful mother during C's meltdowns. It was so frustrating, and time consuming, not to mention trying to keep a schedule and get anywhere on time is next to impossible when you don't know when the hurricane is about to hit. I practiced my own advice, and found that tossing her in a room by herself only made things worse (as I had cautioned other parents that it would) but instead of eventually calming down, she would just become emotionally frantic. Threatening consequences, bribing with rewards, throwing my own fit...there was no solution and mainly made things worse.

My philosophies have grown and changed since my teaching days. I keep a quote from GHF on my refrigerator now, "The times when kids need your love most may be the times when they behave in the most unloving ways. Try to understand what is happening in their heads and their hearts and address that first." I re-read it frequently.

 The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene is the most helpful book about parenting that I have read in awhile. It gave me some answers, some strategies, and gave me hope that I am not the world's worst parent. The Highly Sensitive Child, by Elaine Aron was encouraging as well, and helped me understand both of my little girls more completely.  I've learned that the most helpful thing I can do for C is weather the storm. hold her when she needs me to, and let her be. Sit on her bed, or lay beside her or hold her hand until she is able to calm down. Let her know that I support her when her emotions become too much, and improve my patience with her during the challenging times.

There are good days, and bad days, and there are just age-typical "I want my own way" days, which are an animal of their own requiring their own response. At the end of the day, though, I make it a point to have the girls find one or two of the best things about the day, and finish it on a positive note, concentrating on the happy moments and proud moments rather than the difficult ones.

Because as Roald Dahl wrote..." if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

4 comments:

  1. thank you for mentioning the "age-typical 'i want my own way' days" cuz we seem to get a lot of those and sometimes i feel like a bad mom for sticking to my guns about those...

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    1. This parenting thing is complicated, isn't it? :)

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  2. I can so so relate Nicole! And thank you for sharing the youtube cosmic kids yoga . I'm going to try this with my daughter! Also thank you for the book links. I'll definitely look into those.

    I often feel guilty as well. I think its normal. We don't want to cause stress. We don't want to trigger these bursts of rage or go through these fits. We don't want to be the "bad" mom by discipline. Right now I'm going through a stretch of "bad" days. Its been rough. As much as I don't want to say I can relate... I can and I'm glad there are others out there that can reach out and say its OK we've been there. Thank you for sharing this post. You have certainly helped me along my journey. Thank you!

    - another, Nicole ;)

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    1. Thanks for reading! The last week has been a bad stretch for us too - sickness and weather and who knows what else is in the air, causing some crazy moments. Hang in there. We'll make it. :)

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