The Fog Always Lifts

March is over.

Thank goodness.

I don't know what causes it - the stars, the ides, my luck - but March has been a historically difficult month for me. Some years it's sickness. One year brought a miscarriage, two other years it was the month miscarried babies were to be born. Still a different year, my grandfather, in the early stages of dementia, disappeared. He was found a week later in our neighboring state, disoriented and looking for home. His car was drivable, but a wreck. Where had he been?

I feel a bit like that car after last month. I'm still in working order, but it's hard to say where I've been. My pen stopped writing. I felt heavy. There were far too many moments that I felt like jumping in the car, blasting my Lumineers playlist, and getting lost.

But it's April now, and it's going to be alright.

It's normal to feel like this occasionally. It happens to everyone. Studies show that the gifted may be affected by depression to a higher degree due to our heightened responses to emotions.

This particular round brought a suitcase full of negative self-talk.

"You can't do this."
"Why are you trying? You're doing an awful job."
"You have let this happen."
"Look what _____ is doing. Why can't you do that?"
"Why did you say that? You sound so stupid."
And a whole course of other unkind words.

I am a naturally optimistic person. Where others see a problem or pathology, I usually find the hope and the benefits of the situation. But sometimes the pessimism creeps in like a weed and becomes a struggle to uproot.

image: Hammonton Photography

So what to do?

1. Self-Affirmation, or Be Your Best Friend.

When I counsel teens, I often mention self-affirmation. I say, "Look in the mirror. Tell yourself three positive things about you. Do it every day. Soon, you'll mean it, and it won't be difficult to think of them anymore."

Have I been doing this myself? No. Instead, I've been berating myself in my head for what I have and haven't done, for what my kids are and aren't doing, for how I sounded on that phone call, for how my jeans fit...and on and on.

I have to be my own best friend. If I wouldn't say it to my best friend, I shouldn't say it to myself.

2. Reach Out. Talk to a Someone, or Write it Down.

Tell a friend how you are feeling. Talk to a loved one. If that seems insurmountable, get a journal. Write a letter that describes how you feel, maybe several. Describe the hopelessness. Ask yourself what life feels like when you are not in this place, and how you will know when it’s getting better.

Just mentioning how I was feeling to a friend, without detail, but acknowledging it, was the first step in managing my feelings. The cloud I was was under lost a bit of its force, and I was able to write about it to myself in detail.

3. Get Outside. Get Some Exercise.

Sunlight and fresh air does wonders for the mental state. It's spring now. Taking a quiet walk, noticing the budding leaves and flowers brings me some new perspective. If you are a runner who has been languishing through the colder months, put those running shoes back on and clear your head. Kara at Quill and Camera recommended this 7 minute workout app for those with limited time, and it looks great.

I've started jogging in the morning or doing yoga. Both get my endorphins going and I feel the effects for the whole day.

4. Do Something Nice for Yourself. 

Buy yourself some bright flowers. Make something pretty. Give yourself a few moments to sit in silence and breathe. Get that book you've been meaning to read.

I just bought a new spring dress, and I plan to wear it and walk in sunshine and tell myself happy things.

5. Practice Mindfulness.
You hear that so often these days that it sounds like just another buzzword. Why is it important?. It's easy to get so caught up in just surviving that we forget to stop and notice how we feel right now.

I find my most peaceful moments with my youngest, once her unending energy has calmed and she is asleep. I snuggle up and breathe deeply with her. I visualize all of my stresses seeping out of me and out of her window because they are simply not allowed in her room.

Concentrate less on how you felt yesterday, or might feel tomorrow. Be present in today.


It feels as though I am alone during these melancholy days, but I know I'm not. I'd love you to comment and tell me how you get through the more difficult times!

image: Indy Kethdy
Haiku: Tyler Knott Gregson

Resources:

The Benefits of Mindfulness and Meditation (Left Brain Buddha)

Depressive Disorder in Highly Gifted Adolescents (SENG)

Exercising When You're Depressed

Self-help Strategies for Depression

The Psychology of Change: Self Affirmation and Social Psychological Intervention (Stanford)

6 Practical and Powerful Ways to Overcome Depression

Here Come the Holidays*

image: Peter Thoeny

Twas the holiday season, and all through the town

Ten different Santas were turning Brother’s world upside down.

The smells of trees, candles and spicy egg nog

Was enough to give Mom a piercing head fog.

Sister dreamt of big presents and great Christmas fuss

Dad planned holiday travels while school books gathered dust

When out at the mailbox arose such a clatter

He sprung from his seat to see what was the matter.

There was Mom, looking wild, with a laugh long and hearty

Holding fifteen invitations to holiday parties

To Nana’s! To Auntie’s! To the office and friends!

The routine’s out the window till this holiday ends.

Off to the airport for a five hour flight

Lots of time to prepare everyone for the event, and what might

Occur at dear Grandma’s, and for all of the cousins,

And Grandpa who changes plans all of a sudden!

The mayhem begins as soon as they arrive

Mom confiscates treats full of gluten, sugar and artificial dyes

Sis-in-law mentions  “pushy parents” and “kids need to have fun”

Oh hurray! Holiday season has clearly begun!

Grandpa bugs Brother to play football, but he just wants to read

Sister sneaks leftovers to make plates for those homeless, in need

Dad’s looking for ear plugs, his mood’s a bit sour

The rest of the family will be there in an hour.

Sister runs and hides as twenty people breeze in

Thank goodness for family members like Uncle Tim

Who’ll chat for hours with Brother about science and the periodical table

While Mom drinks as much “holiday punch” as she’s able.

Now the children are nestled all snug on the floor

Brother doesn’t like scratchy sheets, Sister wants just one book more

Grandma is happy to acquiesce

And sends Mom and Dad off for some quiet and rest.

At holiday dinner, cousins are quiet, well-behaved

Sister refuses to eat what’s been served and flies off in a rage

And what to Mom's terrified eyes should appear

But Brother’s 5 OE's heightened by Great-Auntie's sneer.

Now the weekend has ended, much love and much cheer

Alternated with delicate feelings, apprehension and fear

As Brother wails, feeling itchy in Grandma’s hand-knitted sweater

Mom and Dad sigh, and say “Next year, we just know it, next year will be better.”

"Let’s get ahead of all this stress so we can actually enjoy our holidays, shall we? With some preventive planning and a few tools you can learn to identify and anticipate potential sources of holiday stress, and learn how to use empathy to de-escalate when holiday stress becomes too much.". 

The links in the post are from the November 2013 GHF Blog Hop, Surviving and Thriving at the Holidays with a Gifted/2e Kid, which has many other excellent tips! Here's hoping for a happy and fun holiday season! 

*...with apologies to Clement Moore, and with a little help from Jade Rivera and the Gifted Homeschoolers Forum.

Stop Thinking. Start Doing.

I recently participated in a call hosted by Sara Yamtich and Jade Rivera on "multipotentiality" a.k.a. being interested in and wanting to go multiple directions with your life and how to make that happen.

I spent a good fifteen years of my life fitting myself into a little box, shrinking who I am to a minimum, ignoring hopes and dreams. I realized a few years ago that I don't have to feel trapped in circumstance anymore.

I have found many treasures that I love and want to use, now that I have "unpacked the box", so to speak, but it is difficult to remember how. I have also found that letting my emotions roam freely can be overwhelming and exhausting, and I struggle with how to manage them wisely.

A moment in the call particularly spoke to me - Jade discussed satisfying three things every day to keep herself in a state of peace: one for the mind, one for the heart, one for the body.

That sounds like an excellent starting point for me.

I  have responsibilities, and homeschooling two gifted girls is very time consuming, but I know I can do three things daily for myself.

So, what's my plan?

image: flickr

For my body - I began running in April. I am not a very athletic person, but one day, I had just had enough of everything, and needed 15 minutes to myself. I downloaded the Couch25k app, and got on the treadmill. Within a month, I felt motivated to run often, and I began running outside, which improved the experience further.

It's a soothing habit now. I run 1.5 miles 3-4 times weekly. It adds an element of  peace and nature and endorphins to my routine. It's healthy for my whole self.

For my mind - I am enrolled in a Coursera class - Modern and Contemporary Poetry from Penn State. I adore poetry and much of the material for the class will be new to me.  I enroll classes often, but I rarely participate. I will make it a priority to engage in this class, and pamper my brain, rather than watch another Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.☺

So far, I have taken 15-20 minutes in my day to watch the lectures and read the selected poems. B has been watching the lectures with me, and perhaps she will learn to love Emily Dickinson as much as I do.

For my heart - I need to help, to give. I tend to go all-out and give until I have nothing left for those who are most important to me, and then I come to an abrupt halt.

I volunteered at our local food bank/food center for a time, in the kids' reading room. I read with children who came with their families for their one hot meal of the day, helped with homework, and played with the little ones. My emotional OE went into overdrive and I could not stop thinking about the children and their lives. I wanted to take them all home, feed them all, love them all. I would break down thinking of them during the day, and I dreamt of it at night. My family suffered in the mean time, and I had to force myself to admit that it was too much for me. (In my head, this still sounds horribly selfish - my emotions were too much? Their lives are too much.)

I had to accept my limitations, however selfish it made me feel.  I don't know that I am able to turn my emotions to a lower gear, so I need to involve myself in productive endeavors that will satisfy but not consume me. My goal in this area is to give daily, in ways that are more sustainable for the long-term me. For now, I will engage in random acts of kindness, and look for small but meaningful ways to help in my community.


At the beginning of the call, Sara emphasized that "clarity comes from doing, not thinking", and that is is just fine to be and do more than one thing. It sounds so simple when I write it.

Stop thinking. Start doing.

image: flickr

{GHF Blog Hop} The Case of the Car Seat Fury

C hates her car seat. She has hated it from day one. When she was a baby, we rarely ventured more than 20 minutes away from our home unless we were prepared for Ultimate Scream Fest. B was the same way, but her cry was much more mellow and, as awful as it sounds, much easier to tune out when a longer car ride was inevitable. Still, the switch to the booster seat was SUCH a welcome moment for B, and the end of many degrees of stress.

C is almost big enough to make the switch. As in one-half inch and three pounds from the recommendations. The cautious side of me would like to wait another three or six months to promote her to the booster seat. We do a lot of highway driving, and I want her to be safe.

But on the other hand, the screaming and fighting when we get in the car is getting old. She is strong enough to be a problem, and I have to plan ahead 15 minutes to leave the house, knowing that there will most likely be an incident before we can go to our destination (frustrating, multiple times daily.). Once safely buckled, she moved the chest buckle down as far as she can (unsafe), pulls on the adjusting strap and loosens the belt (unsafe). She wiggles, she groans, she states where and how this car seat buckle is ruining her life. I don't like to think it is affecting my driving abilities, but it probably is. She's pretty distracting with the trying to escape and all. We need an extra 10 minutes once we reach our destination so she can compose herself and act appropriately. I tallied it up the other day. We went to three places, which means in and out of the car three times....so roughly an hour of our day (plus the time IN the car) was spent on C dealing with her car seat hatred. That's like 30 hours of my life PER MONTH.

We tried the Ride Safer travel vest. That was a disaster for a week. B liked it, but it took away her independence, because her hands just weren't quite strong enough or dexterous enough to maneuver the belts, so that added another 5 minutes to every trip, along with some extra frustration on both of our parts. (On those three trip days, that was another 15 minutes! 7 ½ more hours per month! All together, with Little Miss Scream, that's equivalent of THREE DAYS spent on car seat trauma, you guys.) C didn't like the feel of the vest around her body – it's much like a water safety vest, and those are a whole separate calamity. She didn't like that it held her still in the seat. She began to wiggle and groan and state how this seat belt vest was ruining her life.

So, I decided enough is enough. I bought the high back car seat this morning. I am just hoping that it isn't too straight, or too itchy, or the car seat belt isn't too “wrong” or whatever else she might come up with. My only other options are to stay at home the rest of my life or invest in some duct tape and really, really good ear buds to drown her out.

I've commiserated with other parents about this... what options have worked for you?

**Edited to add: The new booster seat seems to be working well, with the exception of one seat belt removal experience while in the car. C loves the colors, silver and purple, and is actually thrilled to go places now. She also promises she will never, ever remove her seat belt again while the car is moving. We arrived everywhere on time this week. No fits were thrown. It was a miracle!

This blog post is part of the GHF April 2014 Blog Hop. Be sure to visit these other fantastic bloggers' posts on promoting health and wellness in the gifted/2e child!